In a world where mental health challenges among children are on the rise, it's time to look beyond the traditional parenting roles and consider the power of grandparents. Dr. Kenneth Barish, a clinical psychologist, argues that grandparents can play a crucial role in addressing the growing mental health crisis among children, particularly in the context of the erosion of extended family support. In his new book, The Art and Science of Parenting and Grandparenting, Dr. Barish explores how grandparents can help counter the mental health challenges faced by children in modern society. One of the key issues Dr. Barish highlights is the shift towards individualism in American society. He explains, "Over several decades, America has increasingly become a society of I, not We. In many families and communities, preoccupation with individual achievement has eroded the values of kindness and caring in the lives of our children." This societal shift has contributed to high rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse in affluent communities. Dr. Barish believes that grandparents can help counter this trend by fostering a sense of purpose beyond personal success. He writes, "Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, with a high cost in anxiety and stress. Helping others promotes a greater balance in children's emotional lives." Studies have shown that helping others leads to improved self-esteem, less depression, lower dropout rates, better immune function, and a longer life. Dr. Barish recommends volunteering together and having frequent family conversations about the importance of kindness and understanding the needs and feelings of others. He emphasizes, "These conversations strengthen a child's sense of meaning and purpose. They are just as important as making sure kids have done their homework and correcting their mistakes, maybe more." Grandparents can also provide what Dr. Barish calls 'molecules of emotional health' – moments of listening and encouragement that strengthen children's 'emotional immune systems'. He explains, "A child's confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best protection against the emotional pathogens they will experience throughout their childhood." Other practical ways that grandparents can help include creating moments of play and fun that build positive emotions and expressing enthusiastic interest in children's interests and goals. However, Dr. Barish also highlights the importance of avoiding unintentional criticism from well-meaning family members. He states, "The most common problem I see in my work with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism." He emphasizes that criticism does not motivate children to work harder and can breed resentment and defiance. Instead, he recommends fostering a growth mindset by praising effort, not intelligence or talent, and learning, not grades. Dr. Barish acknowledges that children can have challenging behaviors and offers 21 rules to promote cooperative behavior in children based on both research and clinical insights. These include engaging children in collaborative problem-solving conversations and offering them a chance to 'reset', which he suggests is more effective than punishment. In conclusion, grandparents can play a vital role in addressing the mental health challenges faced by children in modern society. By fostering a sense of purpose, providing emotional support, and promoting positive behaviors, grandparents can help children develop resilience and a sense of well-being. As Dr. Barish writes, "Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching skills and more about having conversations; less about earning rewards and more about learning to cope with painful feelings; less about clearing a path to success and more about strengthening an inner feeling of confidence and pride." This is a powerful message for all grandparents, and one that can make a real difference in the lives of the children they love.
